Tuesday, February 17, 2009

What's Wrong With Me?

So I'm watching Oprah and there is this heroine addicted, pregnant woman on the show. Can I just tell you how much this pisses me off!

So let's get past the most obvious part of this conversation: No I don't wish her baby to die. And I don't wish she'd miscarry. I want the child to live. I wouldn't wish the pain of child loss on my worst enemy.

I was so careful when I was pregnant. I don't smoke or use any tobacco products. I quit drinking socially when I was pregnant and I even quit all forms of caffeine. I stuck the list of things not to eat (deli meats, fish, un pasturized cheeses) on my fridge. I excersized moderately. I ate well, and I ate often. I made sure to sleep as much as I wanted, and I avoided climbing up on things (like chairs and ladders), and took all my vitamins faithfully every day. I was the freaking poster girl for pregnancy.

What I was confronted with was 3 miscarriages. I did everything right. But still...I was left wondering, what did I do wrong?

Then I see this woman on this show and I just want to blow a gasket!

When I found out I was pregnant the first time I was so happy, and honored. Honored that God would choose me, of all the women in the world, to be a mother. I was so blesssed. So grateful. My joy was indescribable. God had faith in me and I was going to show God my gratitude by taking the most excellent care of myself. This baby was my special gift from God and I would shout it from the mountain tops!

3 miscarriages later...here I sit writing this blog. And I see this pregnant woman abusing her body in a most unholy way, and after my initial anger fades into the background I begin wishing only good things for her. Praying for her and her child that she can find and maintain recovery.

Then I turn my thoughts inward. And I see myself standing before the Lord, like a small child and I pitifully ask...

"Why was I not worthy? What's wrong with me?"

Jenny, Super Stepmom

Sunday, February 15, 2009


I am Jenjen - Superstepmom!!! I will fell any foe that tries to hurt my stepsons! (Okay...I'm a bit of a dork too.) I am the kisser of booboos, buyer of needless things just because, and I am able to come up with a pun at a moment's notice to turn a frown upside down!

I'm Jenny - 38, and married to the love of my life "Mr. X." I have 2 beautiful stepsons. "M" is 13 and "G" is 10. They live primarily with their mom and we visit them at least once every month and for extra time during the holidays. This blog is a tribute to the 3 men in my life who mean more to me than anyone or anything else in the world.

I cherish my stepsons every day. After 3 miscarriages I have come to realize they will be the only children I will ever know this side of heaven and I have come to appreciate the precious gift they are to me. This blog is bittersweet. It is a way for me to celebrate the family I do have, and mourn the 3 children I have lost. I have known great joy, but do not think I could define that feeling as well as I do now if great tragedy were absent from my life. So my life's work is to become the best stepmom, wife, and ME that I can be so I can better serve my family. And somewhere in all this mess perhaps I can find a way to reconnect with God other than yelling at Him and railing against Him for the tragedy and pain in my life.

My boys call me affectionately, "Jenjen." No one else is allowed to call me that except for Mr. X. When they were little, I met them when they were 6 & 8 respectively; they weren't sure what to call me or how to introduce me to their friends. Their dad and I were engaged so, I was his fiancé, but they didn't want to say, "this is my dad's fiancé." I was more special to them than that and it was inappropriate for them to call me Mom.

A couple of times they had called me "Jenjen." So I said to them both, "I am your special Jenjen and I belong to you! I will always be your special Jenjen." And so, that is how they introduced me to their friends. "This is MY Jenjen,” they would say proudly to everyone! Aaaaahhhh! I was a part of something bigger and more special than I could have ever imagined. I had a family and an identity that went beyond the bounds of just me. I was special. I was a stepmom and a Jenjen. It doesn't get any sweeter than that!

Super Stepmom