Tuesday, February 17, 2009

What's Wrong With Me?

So I'm watching Oprah and there is this heroine addicted, pregnant woman on the show. Can I just tell you how much this pisses me off!

So let's get past the most obvious part of this conversation: No I don't wish her baby to die. And I don't wish she'd miscarry. I want the child to live. I wouldn't wish the pain of child loss on my worst enemy.

I was so careful when I was pregnant. I don't smoke or use any tobacco products. I quit drinking socially when I was pregnant and I even quit all forms of caffeine. I stuck the list of things not to eat (deli meats, fish, un pasturized cheeses) on my fridge. I excersized moderately. I ate well, and I ate often. I made sure to sleep as much as I wanted, and I avoided climbing up on things (like chairs and ladders), and took all my vitamins faithfully every day. I was the freaking poster girl for pregnancy.

What I was confronted with was 3 miscarriages. I did everything right. But still...I was left wondering, what did I do wrong?

Then I see this woman on this show and I just want to blow a gasket!

When I found out I was pregnant the first time I was so happy, and honored. Honored that God would choose me, of all the women in the world, to be a mother. I was so blesssed. So grateful. My joy was indescribable. God had faith in me and I was going to show God my gratitude by taking the most excellent care of myself. This baby was my special gift from God and I would shout it from the mountain tops!

3 miscarriages later...here I sit writing this blog. And I see this pregnant woman abusing her body in a most unholy way, and after my initial anger fades into the background I begin wishing only good things for her. Praying for her and her child that she can find and maintain recovery.

Then I turn my thoughts inward. And I see myself standing before the Lord, like a small child and I pitifully ask...

"Why was I not worthy? What's wrong with me?"

Jenny, Super Stepmom

No comments:

Post a Comment